Holiday Visits with Aging Parents

As we approach Thanksgiving and Christmas, adult children visiting aging parents during the holidays may be in for a shocking surprise. The pristine house and yard of the past now look shabby and neglected. Dirty dishes fill the sink, and the kitchen table is covered in crumbs. Unopened bills are stacked haphazardly over the countertops. Mom seems unfocused and Dad is having trouble getting around. It is clear help is needed but what should family members do?

Adult children should take advantage of times when everyone is together to initiate a conversation with parents and other family members about what-if scenarios as well as health and financial concerns. Holiday visits are a good time for family members to be alert for signs that aging relatives may need help — physically, mentally, financially, or spiritually.

Some of the most important signs to look for are:

• Personal hygiene problems
• Home in disarray or needing to be cleaned
• Weight loss or weight gain — check for spoiled food or insufficient food at home
• Failure to manage medications or medical appointments
• Increased difficulty with mobility such as climbing stairs or using a bathtub
• Changes in judgment, mood, or overall behavior
• Increased forgetfulness — check for unopened mail or unread newspapers
• Missed bill payments or other financial difficulties
• Unusual or extravagant purchases that are out of character
• Decreased social activities or failing to maintain friendships
• Lapse in worship and/or Sunday school attendance

Experts suggest it is not necessary to panic if you recognize a few changes. Some are simply part of the aging process. Slowing down does not automatically mean that your parents are ready to move into a nursing home, assisted living facility or, for that matter, in with you.

However, this is a good time to talk about concerns and ask parents what kind of help they would like. Start researching the options. There are many organizations that can provide expert advice on a range of senior services such as home health aides, visiting nurses, Meals on Wheels, adult day care, financial planning, and legal issues.

Also check with to see what services your parents’ church provides for senior adults. For example, many churches coordinate a visitation ministry, offer transportation services, sponsor a meals program, or provide adult day care.

While you are visiting, look around and learn more about the community where your parents live. Visit facilities, contact senior organizations, take notes, and start a file so you will know whom to call when something needs to be done.

When you return home, check out websites offering resources and gadgets that can help safeguard your parents and ease your worries. For example, video monitors enable you to keep an eye on how your parents are coping and automated medication carousels ensure that they are taking their pills in the right dosage and at the right time.

If you feel there are legal, financial and insurance questions that need discussion, go to the Eldercare Locator website at https://eldercare.acl.gov. Eldercare Locator is a nationwide service connecting older adults and their caregivers with trustworthy local support resources. It is a free public service of the Administration on Aging, an agency of the U.S. Administration for Community Living.

One of the most difficult aspects concerning the needs of aging parents is dealing with siblings, other family members, and outsiders. Everyone has an opinion or an agenda. Take the lead and encourage family members to really listen to one another, respond with respect, keep a sense of humor, pray together, and stay focused on providing your parents with the best possible quality of life. Doing so helps ensure you answer the call to honor your parents throughout all ages and stages of their lives.

The Rev. Dr. Richard H. Gentzler, Jr. is Director of Older Adult Ministry at ENCORE Ministry Foundation